Prayer 5.30

God of eternity,

I do not fear you. Apparently, I am supposed to.  What could be the point? I don't feel like it would do any good, I don't feel like you would want me to, and I think it is better if I don't.

What good is it to fear you? Fearing an immutable god is like fearing an immovable mountain. You are that you are.

Do you really want me to fear you? If my daughter ever came to me on her knees and said "Daddy, I'm scared of you," I think I would crawl into a whole and bury myself. Could you possibly want me to fear you, Abba?

Isn't it better that I don't fear you? Wouldn't it be preferable to be a fearless father, a father beyond the realm of fear? That is the father that I want to be, and I'm sure you are better at this than me. Doesn't perfect love cast out fear?

Help me to be fearless, Father. And help me, Father, to fear less of you.

Mother

Mom, I can't do this anymore. I'm done.

Oh, come on now, honey. Things are different this time. You'll see. 

You say that every time.

Oh, but this time is different. I have got myself in a very good place. You should see the new house.

I don't want to see the new house. I don't want to see the old house.

This new one, is really something. We have swingsets for the kids and even a pool. Bring your sweet kids by. They will love the new house!

No, Mother! Stop it!

Oh, sit down and don't be so dramatic. 

How can you afford all this stuff, anyway? You have all these houses, you drive a BMW...

Why are you so worried about money? Do you need some money? Here, let me get my checkbook. 

No, stop it. Don't. I do not want your money.

You never minded taking it before. 

Called

A post I wrote years ago, before the Calling was left behind:

When I was a kid, I was weird. Big surprise, huh? You know how most kids would watch cartoons and then run outside and pretend they were the superhero? I was the kid that pretended he was the villain.

Another thing, you know how most kids wanted to be a cop, or a fireman, or an astronaut. Not me. I remember briefly wanting to be a doctor, but I was real young, and my mom thought that was a good way for her to retire. But, the first dream I formulated myself wasn’t medical, it was spiritual.

I have always wanted to be a pastor. I grew up around the Church, listening to church folks converse, and watching pastors minister. I look back on my life and I can see how pastoral ministry has been inevitable for me.

• I preached my first sermon in 5th grade (I stood on a crate to see over the pulpit)
• I was 14 the first time I helped a person convert to Christianity. She was about 35.
• I sat by myself on the bus because I brought my Bible with me to school.
• I could spell Ryrie before I could spell my last name. I was kind of a Bible geek.

I also recall being aware that I was on track to become a pastor. I felt the “calling.” Then I hit adolescence in full force. Also, I started attending a Christian high school. That cured of a lot of my passion for ministry.

Anyway, here I am living the dream. How many people can say that? How many people can say, “I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do”? I can. Which is why I will have such a hard time leaving the Calling behind.

I love the Calling. I love the Ministry. I am unspeakably disappointed and frustrated by the Church, and what the Church turns people into. I lie awake at night, wondering if I’ve actually become the villain.

Prayer 5.29

God,

I was always taught that certainty was a result of faith, but the more I have explored this faith, the less certainty I have found.

Can I hear your voice within the noise of doubt?

The people who were most certain and most confident were always the role models of faith. These were the people that we all knew had a special kinship with you. We all wanted to become more certain so we could become closer to you.

Can I see your face a midst the fog of uncertainty?

I haven't had certainty about anything since I was a kid and even then I think I was forcing it. You have left so much room for questions and the answers all sound like manifestations of insecurity. So, no; I am not certain of much.

Is elusiveness a characteristic of your divinity?

Lord, I believe. Please help my unbelief.

Adullam's Cave

I am reminded today of what a pastor once called the church planter's theme verse: 1 Sam 22:2. Go meditate on it, esp. if you're a planter!
— Daniel Kirk (@jrdkirk) May 17, 2013

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1 Samuel 22:2
Common English Bible (CEB)
Everyone who was in trouble, in debt, or in desperate circumstances gathered around David, and he became their leader. Approximately four hundred men joined him.

David was a mess. His whole life had been thrown into shambles. He was on the run from King Saul. His life was in jeopardy. He had no sword, no food, and little hope. He had gone from his nation's great hero, to a banished outlaw.

What had happened?

He was tracking extremely well. His skyrocket to stardom had been epic. But, then the fickle king lost his marbles, and David's star fell faster than it rose. The people used to sing his name during street parties. His exploits were lauded and retold around his nation's cook fires. He had been anointed to become the next, chosen King!

He was the ultimate insider. Now, he was a disdained outsider. He had to lie to a priest just to get enough food to survive. He had wandered into the land of the Gentiles, looking for refuge.

He did find refuge, but he found it in a place that even the Gentiles despised - Adullam's Cave. It was, quite literally, a den of thieves. The cave was populated by outlaws, escaped criminals, and people, like David, who were just plain hungry. Adullam's Cave was a place where stories ended. When life took a bad turn, things ended at the Cave. But, not David. David's already remarkable story, was going to begin all over.

As the story goes, four hundred outsiders joined David at the Cave, and found new meaning, new direction. So did David. Under the direction of God, David struck out from the Cave to take what God had annointed him to have. And his outsiders? Those four hundred ruffians, thieves, and outlaws many of them became known as the Mighty Men. The Mighty Men were a band of brothers that became legendary in history for their amazing exploits as the great core of David's revolution.

David's path to the throne went through a den of thieves. The inside track required a group of outsiders.

temptation: miracles

Then the Devil took him to Jerusalem, to the highest point of the Temple, and said, “If you are the Son of God, jump off! For the Scriptures say,
`He orders his angels to protect you.
And they will hold you with their hands
to keep you from striking your foot on a stone.’ “

Sometimes we’re hungry for more than bread. Sometimes we long for the Spectacular.

Some people are into these big action shows like 24. In shows like this a secret agent or cop is usually completely outgunned by the powerful and the unjust. But in the end the hero is able to overcome terrible circumstances and defeat the forces of evil. Now, I guess there is nothing wrong with these shows but after watching them, I look around my small living room and my small front yard and my small life and I wonder if I’m doing any good.

Confession time: I have never killed anybody. I’ve never grabbed a bad guy and bent his fingers back until he told me vital information. If I watch enough 24, I get the distinct feeling that I am doing very little to save the world. It would be very easy for me to wish that I was doing something more spectacular, something more amazing. I wish I was Jack Bauer.

The Tempter brought Jesus to the highest point of the temple and he gave him an opportunity to do something amazing, something spectacular. Jesus was the man who did not have a place to lay his head. He was the hopeless leader of a vagabond band and an impoverished carpenter. I know it sounds blasphemous, but I wonder how many times Jesus wondered about his deity. Remember, Jesus was not simply beamed down to earth like an alien invader. Jesus was incubated, born and grown as a human - just like the rest of us. It is also important to note that the Tempters major strategy was to challenge Jesus to prove his divinity. Did he wonder? I do.

Our place in the world seems small and the Tempter can make us wonder. He can make us second guess our place in this world. But, the revelation is more important than the spectacular. It is more important that we are sensitive to his will than impressed with our place in it. We should trust him more than be amazed by what he can do.

At my church I work with about forty teenagers. It seems like I am the one guy in the world who is not working in Africa. It seems like I’m the one guy not working with AIDS patients or lobbying for justice. I don’t write spiritual books or Jesus songs. I have never defined my ministry by my ability to jump from the Temples highest precipice, but I have been tempted to.

I was thinking about this yesterday. We gathered 8 or 9 middle-schoolers for a pool party. Angels did not sing. The world’s leaders did not stand in awe. Then I thought, even if the angels did sing and the leaders were impressed, these kids wouldn’t have noticed and there’s just something cool about that. So I jumped in and did my best to dunk every one of their heads under the water.

It was no big deal - just hanging out with kids. I don’t think the devil even noticed, but I’m pretty sure Jesus did.

Prayer 5.22

Abba,

As part of my job, I often get to see some really messed-up parents. I try to help them, but mostly I just protect their children. Then, I come home and have often been completely humiliated, when I see the same terrible, messed up parenting in my own behaviors. I have seen the tendency to be controlling, to be critical, and to be uncaring.

You are a perfect parent, so I don't know if you'll get this or not. My beautiful children deserve a better father, and I want that father to be me.

Please reform me and help me to be better to my children and better for my children.


Amen.