Prayer 5.30

God of eternity,

I do not fear you. Apparently, I am supposed to.  What could be the point? I don't feel like it would do any good, I don't feel like you would want me to, and I think it is better if I don't.

What good is it to fear you? Fearing an immutable god is like fearing an immovable mountain. You are that you are.

Do you really want me to fear you? If my daughter ever came to me on her knees and said "Daddy, I'm scared of you," I think I would crawl into a whole and bury myself. Could you possibly want me to fear you, Abba?

Isn't it better that I don't fear you? Wouldn't it be preferable to be a fearless father, a father beyond the realm of fear? That is the father that I want to be, and I'm sure you are better at this than me. Doesn't perfect love cast out fear?

Help me to be fearless, Father. And help me, Father, to fear less of you.

Mother

Mom, I can't do this anymore. I'm done.

Oh, come on now, honey. Things are different this time. You'll see. 

You say that every time.

Oh, but this time is different. I have got myself in a very good place. You should see the new house.

I don't want to see the new house. I don't want to see the old house.

This new one, is really something. We have swingsets for the kids and even a pool. Bring your sweet kids by. They will love the new house!

No, Mother! Stop it!

Oh, sit down and don't be so dramatic. 

How can you afford all this stuff, anyway? You have all these houses, you drive a BMW...

Why are you so worried about money? Do you need some money? Here, let me get my checkbook. 

No, stop it. Don't. I do not want your money.

You never minded taking it before. 

Called

A post I wrote years ago, before the Calling was left behind:

When I was a kid, I was weird. Big surprise, huh? You know how most kids would watch cartoons and then run outside and pretend they were the superhero? I was the kid that pretended he was the villain.

Another thing, you know how most kids wanted to be a cop, or a fireman, or an astronaut. Not me. I remember briefly wanting to be a doctor, but I was real young, and my mom thought that was a good way for her to retire. But, the first dream I formulated myself wasn’t medical, it was spiritual.

I have always wanted to be a pastor. I grew up around the Church, listening to church folks converse, and watching pastors minister. I look back on my life and I can see how pastoral ministry has been inevitable for me.

• I preached my first sermon in 5th grade (I stood on a crate to see over the pulpit)
• I was 14 the first time I helped a person convert to Christianity. She was about 35.
• I sat by myself on the bus because I brought my Bible with me to school.
• I could spell Ryrie before I could spell my last name. I was kind of a Bible geek.

I also recall being aware that I was on track to become a pastor. I felt the “calling.” Then I hit adolescence in full force. Also, I started attending a Christian high school. That cured of a lot of my passion for ministry.

Anyway, here I am living the dream. How many people can say that? How many people can say, “I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do”? I can. Which is why I will have such a hard time leaving the Calling behind.

I love the Calling. I love the Ministry. I am unspeakably disappointed and frustrated by the Church, and what the Church turns people into. I lie awake at night, wondering if I’ve actually become the villain.

Prayer 5.29

God,

I was always taught that certainty was a result of faith, but the more I have explored this faith, the less certainty I have found.

Can I hear your voice within the noise of doubt?

The people who were most certain and most confident were always the role models of faith. These were the people that we all knew had a special kinship with you. We all wanted to become more certain so we could become closer to you.

Can I see your face a midst the fog of uncertainty?

I haven't had certainty about anything since I was a kid and even then I think I was forcing it. You have left so much room for questions and the answers all sound like manifestations of insecurity. So, no; I am not certain of much.

Is elusiveness a characteristic of your divinity?

Lord, I believe. Please help my unbelief.

Adullam's Cave

I am reminded today of what a pastor once called the church planter's theme verse: 1 Sam 22:2. Go meditate on it, esp. if you're a planter!
— Daniel Kirk (@jrdkirk) May 17, 2013

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1 Samuel 22:2
Common English Bible (CEB)
Everyone who was in trouble, in debt, or in desperate circumstances gathered around David, and he became their leader. Approximately four hundred men joined him.

David was a mess. His whole life had been thrown into shambles. He was on the run from King Saul. His life was in jeopardy. He had no sword, no food, and little hope. He had gone from his nation's great hero, to a banished outlaw.

What had happened?

He was tracking extremely well. His skyrocket to stardom had been epic. But, then the fickle king lost his marbles, and David's star fell faster than it rose. The people used to sing his name during street parties. His exploits were lauded and retold around his nation's cook fires. He had been anointed to become the next, chosen King!

He was the ultimate insider. Now, he was a disdained outsider. He had to lie to a priest just to get enough food to survive. He had wandered into the land of the Gentiles, looking for refuge.

He did find refuge, but he found it in a place that even the Gentiles despised - Adullam's Cave. It was, quite literally, a den of thieves. The cave was populated by outlaws, escaped criminals, and people, like David, who were just plain hungry. Adullam's Cave was a place where stories ended. When life took a bad turn, things ended at the Cave. But, not David. David's already remarkable story, was going to begin all over.

As the story goes, four hundred outsiders joined David at the Cave, and found new meaning, new direction. So did David. Under the direction of God, David struck out from the Cave to take what God had annointed him to have. And his outsiders? Those four hundred ruffians, thieves, and outlaws many of them became known as the Mighty Men. The Mighty Men were a band of brothers that became legendary in history for their amazing exploits as the great core of David's revolution.

David's path to the throne went through a den of thieves. The inside track required a group of outsiders.

temptation: miracles

Then the Devil took him to Jerusalem, to the highest point of the Temple, and said, “If you are the Son of God, jump off! For the Scriptures say,
`He orders his angels to protect you.
And they will hold you with their hands
to keep you from striking your foot on a stone.’ “

Sometimes we’re hungry for more than bread. Sometimes we long for the Spectacular.

Some people are into these big action shows like 24. In shows like this a secret agent or cop is usually completely outgunned by the powerful and the unjust. But in the end the hero is able to overcome terrible circumstances and defeat the forces of evil. Now, I guess there is nothing wrong with these shows but after watching them, I look around my small living room and my small front yard and my small life and I wonder if I’m doing any good.

Confession time: I have never killed anybody. I’ve never grabbed a bad guy and bent his fingers back until he told me vital information. If I watch enough 24, I get the distinct feeling that I am doing very little to save the world. It would be very easy for me to wish that I was doing something more spectacular, something more amazing. I wish I was Jack Bauer.

The Tempter brought Jesus to the highest point of the temple and he gave him an opportunity to do something amazing, something spectacular. Jesus was the man who did not have a place to lay his head. He was the hopeless leader of a vagabond band and an impoverished carpenter. I know it sounds blasphemous, but I wonder how many times Jesus wondered about his deity. Remember, Jesus was not simply beamed down to earth like an alien invader. Jesus was incubated, born and grown as a human - just like the rest of us. It is also important to note that the Tempters major strategy was to challenge Jesus to prove his divinity. Did he wonder? I do.

Our place in the world seems small and the Tempter can make us wonder. He can make us second guess our place in this world. But, the revelation is more important than the spectacular. It is more important that we are sensitive to his will than impressed with our place in it. We should trust him more than be amazed by what he can do.

At my church I work with about forty teenagers. It seems like I am the one guy in the world who is not working in Africa. It seems like I’m the one guy not working with AIDS patients or lobbying for justice. I don’t write spiritual books or Jesus songs. I have never defined my ministry by my ability to jump from the Temples highest precipice, but I have been tempted to.

I was thinking about this yesterday. We gathered 8 or 9 middle-schoolers for a pool party. Angels did not sing. The world’s leaders did not stand in awe. Then I thought, even if the angels did sing and the leaders were impressed, these kids wouldn’t have noticed and there’s just something cool about that. So I jumped in and did my best to dunk every one of their heads under the water.

It was no big deal - just hanging out with kids. I don’t think the devil even noticed, but I’m pretty sure Jesus did.

Prayer 5.22

Abba,

As part of my job, I often get to see some really messed-up parents. I try to help them, but mostly I just protect their children. Then, I come home and have often been completely humiliated, when I see the same terrible, messed up parenting in my own behaviors. I have seen the tendency to be controlling, to be critical, and to be uncaring.

You are a perfect parent, so I don't know if you'll get this or not. My beautiful children deserve a better father, and I want that father to be me.

Please reform me and help me to be better to my children and better for my children.


Amen.

temptation: kingdoms

Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me."

The second Adam stood upon the mountaintop and the Tempter offered him power. Power – unbelievable power. But the Second Adam knew that mountaintops were not made for power.

For so long, we have assumed power had been Jesus’ intention from the very beginning. Isn’t that why Jesus came? Didn’t he come so that his Kingdom could take over the entire world? So, when the Tempter offered Jesus all the Kingdoms of the world, wasn’t the Tempter surrendering? Isn’t victory within Jesus’ grasp?

Imagine all the good that Jesus could do with that power! Here he was, the one selfless human being and he had an opportunity to control every kingdom in this world. It would only cost his soul.

Adams and Eves have been making this bargain for years. We desperately lust for power. We eagerly sink our teeth in the fruit offered by the Serpent. But the Serpent cannot create, he can only destroy; and with this fruit, we have been destroying each other as fast as we can. In our marriages we don our masks and grapple with one another, wrestling for control. Children manipulate their parents hoping for an edge in a game without winners. Politicians maim, Preachers hurt and millionaires enslave. And what is the hope? What is the point to all this destruction? Power.

In his book Searching for God Knows What, Donald Miller wonders what fuels this power craze. Why do we think we have to step on someone else to get somewhere? Why are we so eager to get to the top? His conclusion is that we’re insecure. In other words, if we aren’t the weakest, we’re safe. Perhaps we think if we’re powerful, then we’re in control and that we can control the dangerous elements of the world. Maybe if we’re powerful, we’re safe from the things that might harm us.

This all sounds good except it’s the opposite of faith. The Tempters offer was enticing, but Jesus refused. Why? Because in controlling the kingdoms of this world, he would have to sacrifice the Kingdom of Heaven. Things like control and power are not elements of the Kingdom of Heaven. Manipulation is not an element of the Kingdom of Heaven. Climbing over the weaklings and getting to the top is not the act of a Kingdom person. Faith is the way of the Kingdom and while the Tempter’s offer may have been enticing, it was rebuffed by Jesus. It was rebuffed because it was not a part of the plan. He refused the Bread, he refused the Spectacular and finally he refused the Power. Instead he accepted the hunger, the humility, and weakness that is the Kingdom of Heaven.

“The way of the Christian leader is not the way of upward mobility in which our world has invested so much, but the way of downward mobility ending on the cross. This might seem morbid and masochistic, but for those who have heard the voice of the first love and said ‘yes’ to it, the downward-moving way of Jesus is the way to the joy and the peace of God, a joy and peace that is not of this world.”

- Henri Nouwen

Prayer: 5.21

"Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays." - Soren Kierkegaard

God of Heaven,

Lead me not into temptation or the darkened wilderness.
Lead me not into despair.
Leave me not alone.
Leave me not.  

Help me to hope. Help me to refuse the wilderness bread. Help me to refuse to jump, even as I look over the steep ledge, wondering if I could actually fly.

Help me to trust in your greatness, which is greater even than my self-condemning heart.  

temptation:bread

Then Jesus was led out into the wilderness by the Holy Spirit to be tempted there by the Devil. For forty days and forty nights he ate nothing and became very hungry. Then the [Tempter] came and said to him, "If you are the Son of God, change these stones into loaves of bread."

The tempter basically only has a few tricks up his sleeve. He is very repetitive, but it does not keep us from falling for it. You know, the same things he used in the Garden of Eden are still used to this day. One of those tricks is the thought in our minds and hearts that this life is made for just for us.

He comes to Jesus in Christ’s hunger and weakness and tells him to just turn the stones into bread and his request seems to make sense.  But Jesus did not enter the wilderness to meet his own needs.

How many of us have second guessed God’s will and God’s plan? Paul said that he had “learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” But as a rule, we are not very good at that. We all like to think if we had a perfect life, we would be content. But, even in the Garden of Eden we failed to be content. The serpent told Adam and Eve that they were missing something. He told them that what God had revealed was not what they needed. He convinced them they needed more. They found themselves outside of God’s will, and outside of his paradise.

Here in Matthew 4, Jesus (who is the second Adam) finds himself in the Wilderness. He has been led there by the Holy Spirit. God’s will is for Jesus to be hungry and in the wilderness.

The Tempter comes and tells Jesus to turn the stones into bread. The Tempter had once again found a relevant need for man. He had tempted many before with relevant needs – to eat of the tree, to build a tower to Heaven, to curse God and die. Now this Tempter offered the Son of Man an answer to his need.

Many of us have decided, in the midst of temptation, that God’s will doesn’t apply to us. Many of us have changed our course in the face of testing. But, Jesus remembered the reason he was there. He was there because it was the Father’s will that he be there and Hungry. Ultimately, relevance is not the goal of our Christianity, rather it is to “feed on every word of God” (v.4).

We have put our watering mouths on many loaves of bread. We have cursed God so often. We have built so many towers to Heaven. But, how often have we fed on the Word of God? How often have we traded revelation for relevance? How many times have we traded the Garden for the Desert? That is our pattern and our plight. We are the Children of Adam.

Yet, the Kingdom is the realm of Christ followers and following Jesus means being led into the wilderness. For, in the end, the wilderness leads to Hunger and weakness and death, but there is no other way for the Christ follower. We follow the Word of God and will of the Father. We do not follow our own wants and needs.

The first Adam ate from a tree in Paradise and found himself in the Wilderness. The second Adam refused the Wilderness bread and found himself in Paradise.

In the Garden, the temptation was to put aside what was best for the world, what was best for others, and instead pursue selfish temptations. Pursuing selfish temptations is killing us. This world is suffering. This community is suffering; our families are suffering; all because of our pursuit of our own desires instead of what is best to God, and others.

Jesus overcame the temptation where we could not, and he did it through sacrifice and following Jesus means doing the same. 

WWJD?

I still see them from time to time. I see the wristbands and the bumperstickers. Perhaps you recall the WWJD craze from a few years ago. It started out as an easy-to-remember way of teaching youth about Christian ethics.

The concept has been around for a long time. In addition to the teachings of the Church, there are many popular books on the subject. Way back in 1897, In His Steps was a popular book about a town that attempted to live in response to the very question "What Would Jesus Do?" Even as long ago as the fifteenth century, Thomas a Kempis' Imitation of Christ taught the same concept.

But, Christian thinker Dallas Willard had an interesting critique of this method of following Christ.

"It doesn't go far enough. We should grow in our understanding and relationship to Christ to where, in most cases, we wouldn't need to ask what He would do. We would know -- and we would be doing it."

WWJD remains an external practice. It is something that occurs purposefully and as a part of a series of events. So, what's wrong with that? Willard says that it doesn't go far enough. "If you have to stop to ask what he would do," Willard said "ordinarily you will have already done what he wouldn't do. Life moves very fast."

A better way is to develop a life within Christ and his teachings that is so deep and meaningful that Christ's actions become my actions. We need to think like he taught us to think in the past (discovered via Scripture), and all so remain harmonious with his guidance in the present. 

This type of life within Christ does not occur overnight. Rather, it takes years of practice and discipline. It takes, prayer, devotion and dedication. As we discipline our inner lives, our outer lives begin to mirror the Christ within. 

WWJD is a good start, but it is merely a start. Let us proceed beyond the question, toward the state where the question does not even need to be asked. Let us pursue a goal of becoming so embedded within Jesus that what he would do is what we do as second nature.    

Modalities

modality n. (plural modalities)

1. the state of being modal
2. (linguistics) the inflection of a verb that shows how its action is conceived by the speaker; mood
3. (medicine) any method of therapy that involves therapeutic treatment
4. (theology) the organization and structure of the church, as distinct from sodality or parachurch organizations

‘I can’t believe you talked me into this,’ I told my wife as we pulled into the parking lot.

‘This could be good for us,’ she responded, unbuckling her seatbelt.

The boys were already piling out of the van as I put it in park.

‘How long is this going to take, dear?’ I asked.

She gave me a menacing glare, ‘Until it is over.’

When we walked in the door, we were immediately greeted by the co-worker that had invited my wife.

‘Hi, I’m Marian.’ She shook my hand and my wife introduced the boys. ‘Now, how old are they again?’

‘Ten and seven,’ my wife reminded Marian.

The building was some sort of rec center. The hard wood floor we were standing on was the type used on basketball courts, and there were indeed retractable hoops on either end of the long room. The boys wandered over to one half of the building where a few other kids were shooting hoops.

There were maybe thirty people gathered around an area with tables and chairs. The tables were full of food and drinks. People were standing around the table talking and drinking. There  was soft music playing in the background.

A huge  man walked up to me with a grin. He was at least 6’ 7” and he looked to be in his early-fifties, balding. He was dressed in jeans and a plaid shirt.

‘Hey, there. The name’s Joe.’

I greeted Joe and

Pentecost

Apparently, they didn't have anything better to do. They were all just sitting around waiting. Waiting for what? Were they waiting for something to happen? Were they waiting for Him to reappear? Were they waiting for the end of the world?

I don't know.

They were supposed to be celebrating

What's Next?

Image Source: Grendalkhan on Flickr

Starting on May 19, I will purposefully look to God with a question: What's next? Hopefully, I can quiet my mind and body enough to hear the answer to that question. I know what lies behind me, but I am unsure about what is ahead.

Reboot

Fasting is one way of seeking and finding the actual kingdom of God present and active in our lives - Dallas Willard

To begin our journey together, I hope that you join me in a spiritual 'reboot.' A spiritual reboot is a time of prayer, fasting, and discipline. It is a time of escaping the life-sucking chaos of our world and embracing the vibrant peace of Christ's Kingdom.

Prayer? Fasting? Discipline? Sounds like a blast, right? Well, it may not be a whole lot of fun, but there are very important reasons to reboot.

Wandering Belief

I still believe. I just don't have space to believe. I was doing okay, until I started feeling claustrophobic  I needed more room. I needed a wilderness that was huge and wild. So, I walked away into the unknown.

Sometimes belief takes you to strange places. Lonely places. But, lonely places are too easy. There is nobody there to challenge me, or push me. I can sit in my lazy ruts and never move to anything new or exciting.

I cannot stay by myself, I'm sure. I will not last like this. Yet, I know I can't go back. So, I'm looking for fellow explorers. I'm looking for others who have wandered into this wilderness. Perhaps we could wander together. Perhaps we could learn to believe. Together.